To Show To You
by Yentai
Summary: Aaw, it's my birthday fic to my good friend, Bek Heerochan and well, it's about Cloud thinking about his good ol' SOLDIER days :3


Title: To Show to You  
Pairing(s): Sephiroth+Cloud(implied) and Zax+Cloud (implied)  
Warning(s): PWP? lol. Shounen-ai, angst, and death.  
Disclaimer: …uh…e.e I do not own them…but I wish I did.  
Author's Note: I just finished this a few minutes ago...yeah, and this fic is kinda weird. Eh, finished this in like two hours...whoopie-doo. And the lyrics belong to Hyde "A drop of colour" is the name of the song. xD

ANNND! this fic is dedicated to my good friend, Bek:3 She's the awesome Heero-chan!

Why?

It's her birthday present from moi!

TACKLES TEH YUY

YOU'RE 19 NOW!

Happy Birthday!

I still need to send you your gifts...sighs remind me, will you? xP

I posted this months ago and my friend, Bek, is gonna be 20 in Feb. 2006 o.O wow! Anyway, onto the storyness

_Confusion rules this shifting age  
And uproar fills the town  
My thoughts of you are drowning in the noise  
How could you know?  
Why should you know me?_

Obviously, every boy in town looked up to the almighty, General Sephiroth for he was very skilled with that heavy blade in which they titled the masamune. He could wipe out a herd of monsters with one swift of that mighty blade without breaking a line of sweat. He could even detect where you were coming from and annihilate you devoid of looking at you, or give second thoughts about it…he just did it…

Or that's what I read in the newspaper back then.

Lacking of a Father figure while I was growing up, I imagined Sephiroth as an older brother but then it somehow formed into a very longing, strange crush on him. Something I'm not particularly fond of anymore.

At first, I didn't think he was human but he just had to be! He just had to be! He must have gone through extensive amount of training, working day and night and memorizing moves after moves to perfect each and every one of them, thus he could show humanity that we can, indeed, become similar to robots…but that's what _they_ wanted.

He was being brainwashed repeatedly…

SOLDIER.

I wanted to be one of them.

_Just_ like them.

Everyone loved them.

I wanted to be loved, too.

I wanted to be accepted by my peers…

That's all I ever wanted…

Be one of them so everyone could admire just how much strength I had, and never ever look down upon me or say anything degrading about me.

My self-esteem back then were equivalent to that of a prostitute's son, which is still low to this day, and as much as I despise admitting it…I was a huge cry baby back then. I cried over petty things that shouldn't have been cried over, I was picked on brutally by the other kids in the town, and just as I thought I could rely on one person, everything shattered completely before I could even hug it to my chest and savour a lick of it.

Mother was quite supportive but was awfully oblivious to everything around her. She loved me dearly but I couldn't tell her what was going on outside of the house…

I should've been stronger, more _brave_, more like my father, had I known about him…

She never spoke about him and whenever I mentioned about him, she would smile at me and continue on with the housework. I had a mother in my life but not a father…how does she think I'll manage on my own, if I wanted to start a family?

_You gently nourish my dry skin  
A drop of colour saves me from  
The fate I'm facing everyday  
A single bloom piercing the snowdrift_

Mother finally let go me at the age of fourteen, so I can pursue my dreams on becoming a SOLDIER. She constantly cried and wrapped her arms around me, babbling, "You're my only baby."

Maybe I reminded her of my Father, whoever he is.

Maybe she saw a piece of him in me.

But I don't know who he is.

Gently, I had her release me since the truck was going to leave town in fifteen minutes. I still remember those tears streaming down her face, blonde locks spilling over her shoulders, hands clutching worn-out handkerchief, and her voice breaking horribly as I turned my back on her with a smile on my face, ready to face the world.

"Cloud, be careful!"

"I will, Mom!"

"I'll miss you!"

_"I'll miss you, too, Mom"_

That day wasn't happy like the rest of the days I had lived through. All the boys looked much larger than me, and older, and weren't allowing me into their 'group'. They dubbed me as the little boy, the tiny chick, and gave me weird looks during the ride to Midgar.

I can still clearly hear them talking about girls, 'tits', and things that were absolutely vulgar to my ears. I think I clamped my hands over my ears then, because they were teasing me and calling me a fag just because I didn't like to hear what they were conversing about.

One of them mentioned Tifa Lockheart, a girl whom I knew back at my hometown…

The girl whom I made a promise to…

"Hey, Chick, the hell is wrong with you? Ain't afraid of talking about tits and them pussies, are ya?"

"Hey, he may be one of them queers, who only suck dicks and fuck them up his tiny little arse."

"Ya think?"

"I'm sure! Look at him! He's quivering in his boots! Pssh, he'll never make it in! He's too skinny and full of chicken shit!"

"He'll die on the first day of training, I bet!"

I think I was sitting in the corner hugging my knees to my chest, mentally telling myself, 'You'll show them…one day.'

It never worked.

They continued to laugh at me.

I wanted to cry so badly, but I couldn't.

No.

I bet Sephiroth never cried when he was little!

I'll stop crying!

Or so I thought back then…

My tears are hard now…

And it's hurt to cry.

Damn these Mako tears of mine.

_How softly, the springtime breezes sing  
How deeply, the distant mountain breathe  
There are so many things to show to you_

A loud, booming voice filled my ears on the first night I arrived to Midgar, "Cadet Strife, you are assigned to room B34!"

I winced.

I was half-asleep when I heard that. With a stuffed duffel bag shoved into my lithe chest, I nearly toppled over but someone caught me. I was too exhausted to see who it was, but the friendly cadet led me to the room and said I should get ready for dinner in half an hour.

I was too sleepy to eat, so I just went straight to my bunk and passed out with an empty stomach.

The first few weeks didn't go quite so well…

I arrived late to my training classes, constantly scolded by my instructors, and occasionally whipped (literally) just because I allowed to slip a few tears out and not commencing what the instructor told me to do.

It was hard…

Everything became difficult and no matter what I did, everything just became more tedious…

Sigh.

I seriously thought I was going to die, yet with Sephiroth's face burned in my mind, it gave me the strength to endure everything and go on.

Coming out with bruises, scars, and crusted blood in my hair, I managed to get a bit stronger everyday and reminded myself that Sephiroth went through this ten times harder than what I was dealing with.

Then one day, I saw the General himself speaking with a guy with long, black hair.

I was delivering a stack full of uniforms to a room because I clumsily tripped something in class and broke one of the swords, and stopped in the middle of what I was doing and stared.

The dark-haired man noticed me and grinned, waving directly at me.

My face flushed --I can still feel the burn he gave me-- and then, Sephiroth turned around and I caught his jade-green eyes piercing through my sapphire-blue ones. He stared at me and mumbled something to the other, but didn't move. _I_ didn't move for some odd reason, but I did feel my knees quivering like crazy…

"Oi, what are you doing over there? Are you okay? Are those heavy?" It was the one with the black hair.

Sephiroth said nothing but merely continued to look at me with such perplexity in his bright, green eyes.

I melted.

I think I did…because I remember being on the floor with fallen uniforms around me.

Everything went black…

Why was I such a weakling back then?

Was my heart too small to carry anything over five pounds?

Or was it my mind, unconsciously, telling me I couldn't do it?

_Oh why does hate bring forth more hate?  
A long abandoned fruit  
is hastening the process of decay  
This country's starved, it's void of feeling_

Zax, the man with the black hair, got me out of the class I was late to and had me rushed to the infirmary. Why did he do that? Why did he even care for someone as weak as me? Compared to him I was tiny, scrawny, and malnourished and he was muscular, healthy, and full of life…but then there was Sephiroth.

Oh, I cannot describe him with just words!

"It must've been a slight fainting spell."

Was that Sephiroth?

"Perhaps, but look at the poor kid, Seph, it doesn't look like he had any sleep for the past two weeks or so."

…?

"That's his fault, Zax."

"Hey, lay off him, Seph. I bet he's still trying to adjust to everything."

"He's not cut out for this. He should be sent back home."

"Give him a chance!"

"He won't survive."

My heart broke.

His words still echo in my mind to this very day.

"Seph, give him a break."

"I don't give anyone a break, do I?"

"Jeesh, lighten up, will you? Lookie here! He's only fourteen!"

"He certainly doesn't look like it."

That day…

My dreams withered away slowly, and I laughed at myself believing I could do this.

He didn't even know me and had the nerve to cast me aside without giving me a second chance.

_How softly, the springtime breezes sing  
How deeply, the distant mountain breathe  
There are so many things to show to you_

Unfortunately, I was released from the infirmary that same day, sent to my room with a note from Zax, telling my instructors that I will be out for a good week or two. There was nothing wrong with me, so they released me, but Zax convinced them to allow me to shape up in my bed for the length of time they'd given me.

But why did he do this for me?

Who was I to him?

He was a strange guy, but I felt I could trust him.

I don't know why…maybe it was his smile.

I never ate dinner there…

I was too afraid to leave the mess hall after it because once I lost my way down the corridors, and was nearly beaten to death by these guys, who were in a room down the hall from mine, saying how cute I was and proceeded to get into my pants.

I was touched in places that brought strange sensations, which made me whimper and cry but a gloved hand clamped over my mouth, preventing me to scream for help. I was pinned down by a tremendous weight and my pants were ripped off.

I cried.

Again.

I don't know how it happened, but the guys went off running with their pants down, some fell on their faces, and screamed like little girls.

…?

What happened?

It couldn't have been me who scared them off.

I wasn't scary then…(am I now?)

Pulling up my pants and removing tears from my eyes with a quick wipe of my hand, I heard/felt something move behind me. Jerking my head to look over my shoulder I was rewarded with nothing but a hollow hallway with dimmed lighting.

Could had it been Zax?

He rescued me so many times…

I lost count of track of it all…

Yeah.

Maybe…but it didn't feel like him.

Sephiroth?

Maybe it was?

I am not certain but…the swiftness, the-

Did Sephiroth care?

Oh, no…

A mere coward like me would never attract someone like him.

I bet he's into girls and not boys.

That's how the world went…

Maybe it was Zax.

Zax.

_One of these days_

Look at me now.

I'm twenty-one now.

Where am I again?

Why am I going through these memories?

Am I even certain that these are my memories and not someone else's?

Am I Cloud Strife?

Am I really?

I was fourteen then…

How am I twenty-one?

How did I age so fast?

Why is there a huge gap between them?

"Cloud!"

Is Sephiroth alive?

Is Zax alive?

Am I alive?

"Cloud!"

I can't think anymore.

"Cloud, wake up!"

Let me sleep.

"Please, Cloud! Wake up!"

Someone's shaking me…

It's hard to breath…why?

"Cloud, don't die!"

I'm Cloud?

"Dammit, Spikey-head! Yu' ain't goin' leave us like this!"

"If Cloud dies, can I have his materias?"

…?

"Cloud, wake up! Please! I know you can hear me! Please open your eyes!"

"Is he still breathing?"

"Yes! Yes he is!"

"Then why isn't he waking up!"

Because I've decided to leave…

Whoever you are I'm talking to.

_How softly, the springtime breezes sing  
How deeply, the distant mountain breathe  
There are so many things to show to you _

"Cloud."

Wait…what?

"Cloud, it's time to go home."

"Sephiroth?"

"If I leave you here, Cloud, you won't be able to make it."

"…"

Snort. "Follow me."

"I don't even know where you are."

"I'm right here."

I feel it.

I feel him.

Thus I follow.

But where am I going?

"Ssh."

"Sephiroth?"

"Let's start over, Cloud."

"Start over what?"

"Everything."

_"Cloud!_

_"Oh my God! He's dead!"_

_"Does that mean I get to have his materias!"_

"Yuffie!"

"He was breathing a while ago!"

"Everything, Sephiroth?"

"Everything."

End.


End file.
